A641.3.3.RB - Emotional Intelligence: Getting Results!


Of the four primary Emotional Intelligence (EI) dimensions — self-awareness, self-management, empathy, and social skills (Big Think, 2012) — self-awareness and social skills apply most directly to my current skillset. Ever since I was little, I’ve always been capable in social situations but, maybe even to a more extreme degree, I’ve been hyper self-aware. The type to analyze every feeling and action, I’ve seen this ability as positive over the years, because of how much of an influence it has had in guiding my maturation. (It’s tough to be thoughtlessly immature when you question every one of your thoughts and actions.) But this ability has negative effects, as well, because it can redirect my focus away from other people — “If we are focused on ourselves … we don’t really, fully, notice the other” (Goleman, 2007) — sometimes making active empathy difficult. Or, it can lead to rumination that makes self-management harder to master.

So, self-awareness has always been a strength. It’s helped me understand that the internal and external selves are very different, and that one doesn’t always need to lead the other. If I’m upset about a new policy at the bank that I feel makes my life more inconvenient, for instance, I’m not sure I’ve ever taken that frustration out on a teller. I have to process those feelings first, question their validity, weigh their importance. That usually keeps me from being reactive.

On the other hand, when I experience stronger emotions, about more personal issues, that self-awareness can be over the top. It can lead to a sort of paralysis of analysis, where my brain wants so badly to apply order, control or understanding to things that doing so becomes its primary focus. To be skilled at self-management, we have to be able to “make sure negative emotions don’t cripple us” (Big Think, 2012), which is definitely something I struggled with in my earlier years.

Simply, emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability to be “smart about feelings” (Psychology Today, nd). Although no formal test exists that can scientifically measure this capability, it is possible for people to hone their emotional skills with practice, and doing so can “make one a better friend, parent, leader, or romantic partner” (Psychology Today, nd).

Some of the tactics a person can employ to sharpen their EI skills are to consciously think about their feelings, to pause for reflection, strive to guide their thoughts, demonstrate empathy by promoting conversation over judgement, apologizing, and protecting one’s self from emotional sabotage, among other things (Bariso, 2018). Now, that’s a lot to take in, but I’ve tried all of them, and I’ve found that each tactic, in its own way, is interconnected. Like dominos, practicing one method — pausing for reflection, for instance — can lead to realizations that will spark improvement in others — like apologizing. Personally, I’ve found this to be extremely true over the years.

“The brain shapes itself according to repeated experiences” (Big Think, 2012), so it stands to reason that focusing on the areas of EI that one is less skilled in can improve those dimensions. For me, I’ve found success with this both personally and professionally. Personally, by practicing empathy and self-management, I discovered that redirecting my energy outward when I’ve felt stressed or anxious, doing something nice for someone or simply being a listening ear, actually worked to minimize negative feelings. “Empathy doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with another person's point of view. Rather, it's about striving to understand--which allows you to build deeper, more connected relationships” “Bariso, 2018). Making understanding an overarching goal also helps on the self-management front — the urge to understand another person’s perspective leads to conversations, rather than to overreactions or endless rumination.

Professionally, sharpening my EI skills have helped by differentiating me from the crowd. Where others have been visibly stressed or agitated in times of company reorganization, or during tight deadlines, I’ve generally been able to compartmentalize my feelings and remain calm. This intentionality has been noticed, and it earned me a reputation at work for being even-keel and consistent. As I continue on as a leader, I’ll continue to work on my empathy, which will be key in developing my coaching skills and taking on additional direct-reports, which whom I’ll want to build relationships and trust — all good things, influencing and building off of the other.

References

Bariso, J. (2018). 13 signs of high emotional intelligence. Retrieved from https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/13-things-emotionally-intelligent-people-do.html

Big Think. (2012). Daniel Goleman introduces emotional intelligence. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Goleman, D. (2007). Why aren’t we more compassionate? Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion

Psychology Today. (nd). What is emotional intelligence? Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-intelligence

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