A641.2.3.RB - Am I a Resonant Leader?

Like a lot of young people, I had (and flaunted) an unearned sense of jadedness and cynicism in my earlier years. It wasn’t until I got a little older and experienced my first real struggles in life that I began to see things differently. I realized that, in order to pull myself out of ruts, I needed to be intentional, and that realization eventually carried over into every part of my life and outlook. It’s how I started to see and plan my career and personal goals. It became the foundation of a sort of personal philosophy: simply, to do things on purpose.

It’s funny how simple yet powerful that idea can be. “Resonant leadership is common sense, but it is not common practice” (McKee, p. 43). When we start to do things on purpose, though — for real, thought-through reasons — instead of just doing them reactively or instinctively, we begin to feel more in control, and for me, far more positive.

That positive tone has served me well over the years. At work, it’s been noticed — at first, it even seemed weird or surprising to hear people describe me as “positive” or “enthusiastic.” Who … me? That tone, at the time, still didn’t fully match my self-image. But now I see it more. I understand it more. In an attempt to feel more in control of my surroundings, I became determined to shut out minor worries and unimportant stressors. This became especially helpful at work when, during a time of company reorganization and low morale, my consistency in output and attitude got the attention of bosses and led to a promotion.

Although I, still, am not into hopeful proverbs or other kinds of “loud” optimism, the sense of calm and contentment that I exuded during a major time of change at the company worked to communicate hope to my coworkers. A lot of that part, actually, was hardly intentional at all, but I’ve since learned that feelings are contagious. “Mood matters. When people are fearful, anxious, or angry, they shut down. When they are generally optimistic, energized, and excited, they think more clearly and creatively, have more resilience, and simply perform better” (McKee, p. 32).

When someone can sense that your stress level is low, it inspires them to keep theirs in check. If instead of gossiping, I made jokes and conversation, other people did the same. In this way, I tried to stay in touch with others. If someone seemed down, I’d ask them what was up. I tried to keep in mind that, even at work, we’re all just people, and people need people. Authenticity, to me, became a drive to avoid what I saw as the “work-robot” mindset, the sense that I got from some people that it was almost as though they were trying a little too hard to play the part of an “adult,” or a “professional.” But along with that role comes a loss of human connection.

Over time, I saw my approach create a cycle of positive, instead of negative, affect at work.  I never set out to inspire anyone, but inspiration comes in many forms. If people see someone behaving resonantly, it stands out, and it spurs change.

I think that is what surprised me most in examining myself as a resonant leader: I never thought my primary asset would be positivity. Work ethic? Maybe. Consistency? Sure. But 10 years ago, I never would have guessed positivity.

A time that I can remember falling short of resonance, though, was in a previous relationship, one in which my then-girlfriend was extremely emotionally unpredictable. When things were good, they were really good, but then they would so often take a turn, her mood would shift on a dime, and our day or night together would be ruined. At first I tried to fix it: I’d ask a lot of questions to try to find out what was wrong, and I learned that she dealt with anxiety and struggled with depression. Although she sometimes knew her feelings were irrational, she said, she couldn’t help herself from getting angry, or sad, or both, and shutting down. Eventually, this wore me down, and my compassion started to wane. Instead of dedicating more hours to talking things through, I grew impatient. I would feel that impatience coming, but I wasn’t always great at managing it, which led to more fighting. “Recognizing emotion is a good first step in developing emotional and social intelligence. But awareness is never enough. Once we know what we feel, we need to be able to manage our responses” (McKee, p. 29).

Looking back, I realize now that we were simply mismatched, and I was trying to fix something that wasn’t ever going to be un-broken. Still, however, I don’t like the person I was in those moments, when I saw someone in pain but couldn’t help but become angry with her that, yet again, it seemed, we were back again at square one. I would have liked to exercise more compassion and, even if I couldn’t “solve” the problem, still keep kindness in the forefront of my mind.

References

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a Resonant Leader (8^th ed.). Harvard Business Press. ISBN: 978-1-4221-1734-7